What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
11.06.2025 23:53
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
I write beautiful poetry .
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Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
I will be 64.
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
How can I remove decimals in math?
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
Comes on , in middle age.
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But im dying ,and its too late for me.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Ive learnt so much.
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
I think the readers, may guess!
I don,t even have a pension.
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When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
Put me off passion for life!!
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
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Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
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His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
And i lived it daily.
She married twice! .
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
What did i know ?
Is it legal for an employer to ask why you are taking time off from work?
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
When she asked me how she looked .
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
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Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Was to survive, this bastard.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
He was dying to do it , i knew.
One cannot live in the past .
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
As i do to all so called friends.?
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
They are buried together, in the same grave..
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
He resisted the act ,that day.
We all went to grammer schools
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
I have no regrets .
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
This is soul school!.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
I had hoped to write a book about this .
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
I did it because my mum asked me too!
It was going to be , some day.
Im dying but, im not bitter.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
But ive been too sick for many years..
So whats the point in blame.
I was seconnd youngest,
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
I was very sick at this time too.
All the time i was locked up.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
She wouldn,t have been !
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I was 9 years of age.
But, we were locked up after school.
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
I know ,a lot about trauma.
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
We were not on the streets..
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I could never make a relationship work though!
I couldn’t, believe it.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
I never cut or harmed myself..
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
I waited trembling.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
My life is so biszare .
Im still living with it.
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
He knew the spot.
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
Would this be the day?
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
My mum and dad in the seventies!
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
My family never makes their pension either.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
But it wasn’t much.
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
She loved him until the end.
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
I said to her
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
Who then, do I blame.?
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
Why did i forgive my father ?
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
So, i spoilt her more .
She found it foreign!.
(And it was in our own minds.)
Especially a lifetime of it.
The only rule us 5 kids had .
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
She was in good health!
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
I was scared of men, in general